


Litost

by JadeKatherine



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Graphic Description, Panic, Panic Attacks, Read with care, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Therapy, Trauma, Will be graphic later on, crappy parents, friends - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-26
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2020-10-28 20:57:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 12,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20785007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JadeKatherine/pseuds/JadeKatherine
Summary: How exactly did Jules Bashir handle finding out he was genetically enhanced? And even though he may accept his enhancements as an adult, do others? Read with care.





	1. Doctor Jane

**Author's Note:**

> Read with care as there is talk of a suicide attempt and self harm, as well as a panic attack.

“Imposter syndrome is a real thing, Julian. You’re studying medical sciences, right?”

The therapist, whose name Julian hadn’t heard, sat ahead of him in a small, beige chair. The large woman wore her silky brown hair in a large bun on the top of her head, with large silver earrings dangling down to her shoulders. She wore a dark mauve wrap around dress and she sat, expectantly waiting for Julian’s reply. “Uh huh.” Julian responded quietly without so much as raising his head. He didn’t want to be here; he knew just how helpless he was. Just how alone he was.

The therapist noted something down gently in a PADD on her lap, trying to make eye contact with the young boy in front of her who’d been obviously avoiding it since he’d stepped in the room. “So you should know that it is a real condition.” She tapped her fingers on the PADD for a moment, pondering what to say next. “You’re not broken, Julian.”

His eyes snapped up from his lap and she thought she’d finally got something from him, but after some thoughtful consideration his eyes returned to his lap. “I’m _supposed_ to be fixed.” He muttered, fiddling with his fingers.

“What do you mean by that, Julian?” The doctor lowered her head to try and level with him more. She saw his cheeks had flushed and the side of his lip twitching slightly as he chewed on his cheek. “What do you mean by fixed?” She tried again.

“Nothing.” Julian huffed. “It means nothing.”

The doctor squinted her eyes as her mind whirred but continued, “’Fixed’ is quite the odd word to choose, Julian. It must mean something to you.”

He stopped twiddling his fingers, squeezing his eyes shut. A quiet sob erupted from his chest, tears forcing themselves through his tightly closed eyes. The therapist immediately moved over to grab a box of tissues and squat besides the fifteen year old, whose tears slowly turned solely into sniffles. He coughed gently but otherwise didn’t say a word.

“Julian, what did you mean? You can tell me, I’m here to help. Nobody but us two will know what you tell me. You’re not alone.”

She touched his shoulder slightly and he looked up at her to meet her eyes. “You promise?”

“I promise.” She left the box of tissues on the side of his matching beige chair and sat back on her own, pulling it closer to him.

Julian was contemplating for a moment, but he met her eyes again, a kind warmth emanating from them. He rolled up the sleeves of his blue top and turned his left over, rubbing it with his right hand. He did the same for his right arm before starting, “You can’t see them anymore.”

The therapist’s heart had dropped when he got out his forearms. “What’s not there anymore, Julian?”

He rolled down his sleeves quickly. “I broke a vase, at home. My mother was annoyed because of the mess, and my dad-” he broke off suddenly, “my dad wasn’t happy. But I cleaned it up; I got rid of the mess.” He had started to rub at the palms of his hands. “And I took a piece of the vase. I just wanted to clean up the mess.”

The therapist had refrained from typing in the PADD, not wanting to distract him. “What did you do with the broken vase piece, Julian?”

He sniffled and another tear dropped from his eye. “I went to my bedroom and I, I put the sharp bit on my arm. I cut both my forearms, from my wrist to the crook of my arm.” He said methodically. “It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.” Tears brimmed at his eyes. “I just wanted to clean up the mess.”

The therapist outstretched her hand and Julian took it, letting out a few sobs. “What happened next, Julian?”

He swallowed and sniffled, wiping at his nose with his free hand. “I – blood got everywhere - I didn’t mean to make more of a mess, I didn’t-” he sobbed again, “I remember I started to get dizzy and I, I tried to stand up off of the bed, but my legs were really wobbly and I couldn’t walk. I fell over, and my father must have heard because I heard him yelling again, until he came into my room. His face got really red.”

“What did your father do, Julian?” The therapist asked.

“He carried me to the bathroom and turned on the sonic shower, and he left me. I was still in my clothes and the shower was freezing.” He coughed again. “He must have told my mother because she came in a couple of seconds after and wrapped my arms in towels.” His voice cracked as he spoke. “The look in her eyes,” he sobbed, “she was so disappointed in me.” The therapist squeezed Julian’s hand gently and reassuringly. “I don’t know how long it was after but mother had turned off the shower when father come back with a dermal regenerator. He didn’t say anything to me; he just took my arms and fixed them.”

“He fixed them?” The therapist said tentatively.

Julian nodded. “Like he _fixes_ everything.” He said harshly.

“When your father came to me for help, he told me you were incredibly bright. He said that he thought you had imposter’s syndrome. Do you think that’s true?” The doctor was working roughly within the lines of the ‘therapist code’, but at this moment she didn’t really care what rules she was breaking. This child needed help and she couldn’t just leave him to suffer alone, not after what he’d just told her.

“I don’t know.” Julian said quietly. “My father only told you that as an excuse to get me in here. He didn’t want me- he didn’t want me hurting myself again. He didn’t want me to tell you I’d hurt myself.”

The therapist squeezed his hand again. “Julian, when you hurt yourself, what was you thinking?”

“I’m not crazy!” Julian shouted, desperation in his voice that made her heart break.

“I believe you Julian and I didn’t mean that I thought you were, I would just like to know. It would help both of us if I knew what you were thinking.”

He sniffled and his eyes were still averting hers. “I’m not smart. Or bright. It’s a lie. I don’t deserve to be praised for something I’m not.”

She raised her eyebrows but spoke gently, “Why don’t you think you’re smart? I’ve seen your test results in your file, they’re phenomenal.”

“No! I wasn’t - I’m not smart! I cheated!” He snapped his hand back from hers and tears were still streaming down his face. “It’s not right. It’s not fair.”

“I don’t think you cheated, Julian.” She said thoughtfully. Perhaps there was some truth to what his father had told her after all.

“It’s not fair. I shouldn’t be smart. Father said I wasn’t all there, he knows! They both do! People need to stop thinking I’m smart because I’m not!” He huffed and caught his breath. “I didn’t want to be smart. I didn’t choose to. I don’t deserve the grades or the praise.”

She tilted her head to look at him better. “Your father said you wasn’t ‘all there’?”

“And I wasn’t. I shouldn’t have gotten smart, it’s not fair.” He sniffled. “Other people deserve it. Not me. It’s not fair on them.” He said finally and hushed.

“Julian, you said that your father didn’t want me to know that you’d hurt yourself.” She typed out a few things on her PADD then laid it to rest on the side of the chair. “Why didn’t he want me to know?”

“Because he doesn’t want it on my file. He doesn’t want me being a freak on file.”

“You’re not a freak Julian.”

He met her eyes and held it, wiping away the tears at his eyes. “He thinks it’ll ruin my chances of getting into Starfleet if I’m a mess, if I’m broken.”

“You want to join Starfleet?” She said optimistically.

“No. But my father wants me to.” The tears had stopped now and he was speaking quietly.

She was about to continue when a harsh knock rattled against the door. She stood up quickly. “Sorry, Julian.”

He nodded as she opened the door slightly, seeing the person they had just been talking about. “Mr Bashir, I don’t believe my session is over yet, if you’d like to wait.”

“Actually,” He said with his distinguished accent, “we need to cut this session short. I need to grab Julian, I’ve got a meeting for work soon and Amsha wants him home before then.” He attempted a smile but saw the frown on her face. “Sorry.” He said simply.

“We have half an hour left, Mr Bashir. I would like to continue talking with Julian until that’s over, and think he could use some more sessions.” She said matter of factly, still not opening the door wide enough for Richard to see Julian.

“Haven’t you fixed him yet?” He attempted at humour. But there was that word, that one word Julian had said to her that drilled through her brain.

“I can’t ‘fix’ your son, Mr Bashir. He isn’t broken in the first place. I think we’d both appreciate to continue this session and ones in the future, if you wouldn’t mind.”

“Actually, I really need to take him home now.” He pushed open the door and it swung so he could see Julian, whose tears had stained his face.

He walked over to him and grabbed him by the arm, leading him out of the office. “Mr Bashir! It is my medical opinion that he stay for a while longer!” She said in a hushed shout.

“Unfortunately we really have to go, don’t we Jules.” Julian didn’t say anything, just kept his head down as his arm was pulled after his father.

They made their way down the corridor out of the office and the therapist continued after them. “I shall request I see him next week then at least, Mr Bashir.”

Julian looked up at her and she had to stop herself from physically taking him to safety. “Goodbye, Doctor Jane.” Richard said hurriedly as they walked through the exit.

She stopped short of the door, watching Mr Bashir drag his son away. Everything she’d heard was going straight on report, and only to be published if she didn’t hear back from him. She couldn’t watch him be hurt, and reporting his parents would certainly hurt him, but she thought that at least he’d be safe. He’d tried to kill himself, and his father thought she could just fix him. She felt sick to her stomach.

Richard had dragged Julian away from Doctor Jane’s office, which Julian had finally learnt was her name. He hadn’t said anything to Julian since they’d left, but once they were out of earshot he began, “What the hell did you tell her in there? Did you tell her what happened the other day?”

“No! No I didn’t!” He protested.

“Then why are you crying like a baby? Why was she so persistent to see you again?” Julian remained silent and struggled to keep up. “You know what we have to do now right? We have to move. We have to delete records of you ever going there so that if she reports us, we won’t exist.” His voice got harsher and harsher as he spoke. “You were supposed to be fixed after this! Not make even more of a mess!” Richard looked down at Julian who’d uncontrollably started crying again. “Why are you so hung up about what we did? You were behind everyone else! We helped you! Why are you taking it so bad? You should be thankful!” He spat and Julian couldn’t respond.

He simply stayed silent after that. Talking only when spoken to, especially with his father. How could he have screwed up so bad? Why couldn’t he use his brilliant gift of his to not make a mess of everything? Why did he have to be such a freak?


	2. Drowning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Description of a panic attack so be wary

Doctor Julian Bashir sat around the round table, accompanied by O’Brien and Dax, waiting on their order from Quark. They chatted idly, talking about what they’d been doing in the day and how much they all needed a break. There had been continuous shifts, the staff was stretched thin and they had all worked too much overtime. They all seemed to have bags under their eyes, and were all desperate for a drink.

They’d gotten onto the topic of darts, how Julian had thrashed Miles the last couple of times, and how Dax had plenty of years’ experience to be an expert at it.

“Julian cheats! He’s got genetically enhanced coordination, how can I compete with that!”

Julian smiled but his heart dropped a little, he knew Miles didn’t mean to insult him, and so he’d just brush it off.

“I don’t think you cheated, Julian.” She said thoughtfully. “I think Miles is just freakishly bad at it.”

They all laughed but Julian was strained. His breathing quickened slightly and he could feel his heart beating too fast in his chest. He watched as Quark walked up to them, the tray of drinks in his hand. “Ah, finally!” Julian exclaimed, flinging his arms in the air as he did so. He only gently knocked Quark, but it was enough for him to lose his balance and for the tray of drinks to go everywhere.

A loud smash echoed and rivalled Quark’s own scream. “My bar’s a mess!” Quark yelled, bending down to deal with the damage. A sharp shard of one of the glasses ended up by Julian’s feet and he couldn’t take his eyes off of it. His grip tightened on the chair and his chest was tight, he couldn’t tell if he was breathing or not.

“Calamity Jane over here can buy the next round.” Miles joked, and Dax followed along in laughter.

Quark got up from brushing the glass onto the tray, “Well the freak Doctor over here can reimburse me for the broken glasses, too.”

Julian’s fingers had begun to feel tingly and he was sure they’d snap if he held the table any tighter. His vision was blurred and though he desperately tried he couldn’t breathe - he tried to take in air but it felt like he was drowning. The whole room swirled around him and he stood from his chair, trying to not fall over. He wasn’t sure how they were working, but his legs seemed to be able to take him out of the bar quicker than they ever had before, the strange looks from those around him went ignored and the concerned calls from behind him went unheard. There was a pit at the base of his stomach that wouldn't stop seizing. His heart had either stopped pumping or was going too fast for him to tell, not that he’d be able to read a pulse with his hands shaking like they were.

He wasn’t sure where he was, or what exactly was happening, he just knew of the words that kept repeating through his head that he couldn't seem to run away from.

A cheat.

A freak.

A mess.

Broken.

He rubbed at his arms as tears streamed down his face and he turned the corner into an empty corridor.

Julian collapsed to the floor, his legs numb. He couldn’t breathe and he couldn’t think, but he kept rubbing at his arms uncontrollably. His tear filled vision went black slowly, creeping in from the edges. His chest was too tight to breathe, his eyes were too swollen to see and he was too numb to feel; he felt completely helpless, completely alone, just like before.

And then it all went peacefully black.


	3. Sleep is a luxury

Doctor Jane. The first words he thought off as consciousness flooded his mind and the bright light above blinded him. He sucked air into his lungs like he’d never breathed before and any dull ache he felt in his body began to subside.

“Doctor Bashir, nice to see you’re awake.” Jabara spoke softly, allowing Bashir to adjust. She had her medical tricorder in hand and was assessing his condition, using the information also on the screen behind his bed. “It looks like your blood saturation of oxygen is back up to normal.”

“It wasn’t normal before?” Bashir joked, pushing himself up on the bed. She had just told him that he was fine, and he could easily see for himself, but something felt off. He felt like he could break at any moment.

Jabara smiled, genuinely happy to see Julian joyous and healthy again. “Don't play dumb with me. You passed out from lack of oxygen. When Miles found you he said you were practically blue.”

Julian swung his legs round the side of the bed, adjusting the cuffs of his uniform. His chest tinged at the thought of Miles seeing him like that, and he’d surely have to figure out some sort of excuse to tell him when he saw him next. “But I’m fine now, correct?”

She nodded hesitantly. “But,” she mused, “I need to know why your oxygen was cut off in the first place so I can stop it from happening again.” She flicked off the tricorder in her hand. “Miles told me that you ran out of the bar so quick he could have sworn you were beamed away.” Julian snorted but she continued. “Julian, I know it’s hard to talk about, but the readings suggest you had a panic attack. Did you?”

Julian stopped fiddling and he looked her in the eye. “Yes.”

Jabara looked pitifully at him but covered it up just as quick, knowing he wouldn’t appreciate it. “Do you know what triggered it? Have you had one before?”

Julian nodded. “Yes, it’s happened before. I’ve never passed out from one though.” He said solemnly.

“Do you know what caused it?” Jabara asked.

He nodded once again, averting his gaze. Suddenly he felt like he had back then, being questioned on the state of his mind, like she’d already made up her opinion of him being broken. “Yes.”

She stood thoughtfully for a moment. “You don’t have to tell me what the trigger was, but you should talk to someone. I can hook you up with a good counsellor, her name's Troi, you’ll love her.” The genuine sincerity of Jabara's voice almost made him want to cry, but he couldn’t, not here.

This time, he shook his head no. “I don’t need a counsellor. I’m fine, Jabara, really. It was just a fluke.”

She looked at him studiously before she made up her mind. “Alright, but know that if you ever need to talk to anyone I’m here for you.”

“Thank you, Jabara.” He said patiently.

“Oh! I almost forgot.” Jabara said as Julian got up out of bed, scared his legs may betray him once again. “When I got to you, you had scratches all the way up your forearms, almost like you got attacked by a cat.” Julian swallowed hard as she joked. “There’s nothing to worry about though, a couple of the scratches were sore but the rest weren’t so bad. I gave them a quick run of the dermal regenerator and you’re as good as new.”

Julian couldn’t meet her gaze as he looked at the floor, the bed, anywhere but her eyes. “Thanks again, Jabara.”

“My pleasure.” She touched his shoulder gently. “Just don’t scare me like that again, ok?”

He nodded before making his way out of the infirmary and heading home, where maybe he could get some proper sleep.

***

The stimulator Jabara used must have been strong, Julian mused. He didn’t even feel able to close his eyes, let alone sleep.

He’d collapsed onto his bed, but his mind was whirring too fast for him to even keep track of his own thoughts. “Computer, what’s the time?” He said restlessly.

“Six hundred hours.” The computer replied mechanically. He figured Jabara must have left him to sleep most of the night, to which he was grateful for really. Sleep was a rarity on the station.

He sat up in bed, giving up on any attempt to rest. He stretched his arms and rubbed his eyes; trying to concentrate on one thing, not a hundred different things at once. Standing up, he sighed, as although he was fine, he felt like his legs could give way at any second. He felt like he could just collapse and stay there forever.

His thoughts were cut short by the sound of the door and his heart dropped as he realised who it probably was. Julian ran into the living room and called for the door to open. “Julian! Are you alright? I went to the infirmary to see you this morning but Jabara said you’d already left.”

Julian nodded and smiled at the Irish man who was still standing hesitantly in his door way. “Yes, Miles I’m fine.”

Miles breathed a sigh of relief and walked further into his quarters. “When I found you last night you were passed out and blue. I didn’t know what had happened.”

Julian clasped his hands behind his back and thought that he might as well bite the bullet now. “I uh, I had a panic attack.”

“Oh god, Julian!” Miles started, moving closer to Julian and putting a hand on his shoulder. “Why? Are you alright?”

“I’m fine now, thank you, Miles. Really, it was just a fluke.” He moved over to his replicator. “Do you want a Raktajino?” He asked as he plugged in one for himself.

“No I’m alright, thanks. My shift starts soon but I wanted to make sure you were alright first.” He shifted gently. “You are alright, right?”

Julian smiled at his friend and held the warm beverage in his hands, replying after taking a sip. “Of course I am, Miles.” The weak smile began to fade. “You should go before you’re late for your shift.”

“Right.” Miles stepped back towards the door. “I’ll talk to you later, Julian.”

“See you then.”

When Miles walked out of the room, Julian let out a breath he hadn’t realised he was holding. Lying to someone he was close to was not easy, no matter how smart he was.

He sipped on his coffee, when that same name popped into his head. Doctor Jane. It had been well over a decade since he’d seen her, since that day. She was the only one, other than his parents of course, who knew what he’d done. Or what he’d tried to do.

He wondered if she'd remember him.


	4. Expectations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Read with care.

Julian had finally seemed to settle, laid on his chair with his legs crossed. The Raktajino and meds had seemed to ware off, and he was finally feeling how tired he was. He could barely keep his eyes open, but it didn’t mean he’d actually be able to fall asleep. He’d just lay there, his mind like a constant alarm clock ringing, reminding him of what had happened; of why it had happened. He kept telling himself to forget about it, but it was like a perpetual game where he’d remember collapsing, remember the scratching of his arms, remember how it felt when he was fifteen- then he’d tell himself to forget it all over again.

He hadn’t realised it, but in the mess of his mind he’d been rubbing against his arms once again. Not scratching, but subconsciously rubbing against them nervously. The sleeves of his uniform were rolled up and his face was screwed up tightly; fighting against his own mind. He was trained to heal the injured and to treat the sick, but the mind, the mind was uncharted territory. How could he begin get help when the only person who knew of how much pain he was truly in was himself? He felt like he was going down a rabbit hole and clawing at the sides for some sense of stability only made it worse. He could scream as loud as he wanted and kick as hard as he was able, but in the end he knew, he had always known, he was completely alone.

But then he wasn’t. A hand gripped his shoulder and he shot awake, flinging his torso upwards so he was sitting upright. His eyes had torn open and he was breathing uncontrollably, but he relished every moment of it as this time, he thought, at least this time he could actually breathe.

His eyes darted to the person standing over him, the red shoulders and captaincy pips immediately alarming him. “Julian?” Captain Sisko began. “Julian are you alright?”

It took him a second to realise he looked like a crazed mad man, and only another second for him to wipe the surprised look off of his face. “Yes, Captain.”

“When nobody answered the door I wondered if you were alright.” Sisko looked down at Julian pitifully. “Are you alright, really?”

Julian sat around on the sofa properly and Sisko sat next to him. “Yes, Captain.”

“Jabara told me what happened last night. She also told me that it was unlikely for it to happen again.” Sisko rubbed his hands together.

“Yes, Captain.” Julian repeated, his head held down.

“I can’t have my chief medical officer indisposed; I need him alert and ready for action, especially at times like these.” Sisko continued. “Which means I need to make sure that you’re ok. That you’re alright, mentally.”

“Yes, Captain.” Julian stirred for a moment as he realised just how many times he had said that. “I’m fine. It won’t affect my job as CMO.” He sighed and raised his head. “It was just a fluke.” He lied.

***

Julian’s shift started a couple hours after Sisko had left, and Julian had been dreading it. He went the quiet route, avoiding the promenade as much as he could; avoiding Quark’s altogether. He had managed to avoid people, too, but the one person he did walk by took him by surprise. It was a Bajoran woman that Julian didn’t know; her spiritual clothing evident. She looked at him; she looked deep into his eyes and it almost made Julian sick to his stomach. Pity. She had pity in her smile and her gentle raise of the eyebrows as she walked past him. It had been a brief encounter, but it shook Julian to his core.

How many people knew?

After the encounter with the woman, Julian sped into the infirmary. He didn’t need any more sorrowful smiles hiding their deep misunderstanding.

Julian didn’t need pity. He didn’t want their pity. He just wanted it all to be forgotten. Why couldn’t he just forget?

Jabara almost missed him as he hurried into his office, but she caught him nonetheless. “Julian!” She looked him up and down. “Should you really be working today? You could use a break.”

Julian smiled briskly at her but continued to potter about in his office. “I’m fine, Jabara. I just need to get back to work.”

“Alrighty then.” She said doubtfully as she studied him a bit more closely. She saw the bags under his eyes, deeper than they had been earlier. She noticed his uniform was scruffy and unkempt; he probably hadn’t changed from last night. And then there was the constant pulling down of the sleeves. She noticed he was doing it subconsciously; continuously pulling at his cuffs. His sleeves were creased towards the crook of his elbow so she knew they had been rolled up, and now he was trying hard to keep them down.

“You should really get home and get some rest; you’ve had a long day.” He arranged some PADD’s on his desk neatly, and she simply nodded half-heartedly.

“Are you sure?” She protested, and he realised she was looking at his arms.

He sighed and made a mental note to watch himself. “I’m perfectly certain. I’m fine working here by myself, Jabara. The worst that could happen is the Chief dislocating his arm again.”

She chuckled but stayed put a few more moments, pondering quietly. “Alright. But don’t get into too much trouble without me.”

“At the first sign of trouble, I’ll comm you.” He smiled at her as she left, and he could finally breathe. He collapsed into his chair and held his head in his hands. He just needed to work; to make it through this shift without freaking out. He swore that if one more person asked if he was ok, he’d through himself out of the nearest air lock.

It took Julian a little while to get back into the swings of work; to overwhelm himself with what he was doing in an attempt to forget about the previous night. It had partially worked, but sometimes he’d catch himself slipping back into the spiral of thoughts or scratching at his forearms. Luckily, it had been a relatively quiet day, with only a couple of visitors; Morn who had caught a rare Lurian cold whilst visiting his family, and a Bajoran man who’d injured himself doing too _strenuous_ activities in one of Quark’s holosuites. Morn of course hadn’t stopped talking about how his trip had gone, and Julian realised he probably hadn’t heard about what happened to him last night. He was relieved when the Bajoran man wasn’t too talkative as well, evidently embarrassed.

Julian’s heart dropped when Jadzia walked through the doors. Julian knew she’d obviously want to know what had happened, if she hadn’t already been told, and that she’d feel sorry for him.

“I thought I’d catch you here.” She began. She’d obviously been looking for him.

“If not Quark’s, this is where I am most of the time.” He smiled.

Jadzia walked over to him and pulled him into an unexpected hug; embracing him tightly. They stood there for a moment, Julian unsure of what to do. She finally patted his back and let go. “I’m glad you’re alright.”

“Of course I am, Jadzia.” He lied. “Sorry about leaving so abruptly last night, I can make it up to you tomorrow if you like.” He wiggled his eyebrows. “I’ll buy us a round at Quark’s.”

“You better.” She clasped her hands behind her back. “And don’t be sorry about what happened last night, it’s not your fault.” Julian nodded and she watched him patiently. “What did happen last night?” She said hesitantly.

“Honestly Jadzia, I don’t really want to talk about it. I just want to forget it ever happened.” It felt good to finally say something truthful, although the slight hurt he saw in her eyes pained his heart.

“Alright, but you might have to tell Quark that. He’s going around telling everyone you’ve lost your mind.”

His grip on the PADD he was holding tightened and his heart beat a little quicker. “What?”

Jadzia bit her lip but continued. “After you ran out last night, he thought you were dodging paying for the broken glasses. But after he heard about what had happened,” she smiled pitifully, “he started telling people you were insane. His exact words were that ‘your genetic engineering finally short circuited’.” Julian had lowered his head and tried to control his breathing, to no avail. “I’m sorry, Julian.”

“How many,” he said breathlessly, “how many people know about what happened last night?” The woman he’d seen earlier wouldn’t have drunk at Quark’s bar; she was a spiritual woman. How could everybody know?

“It’s a small station, Julian.” She furrowed her eyebrows at his distress. “It’ll be forgotten within a week.”

That’s all Julian wanted: for it to be forgotten. But how could that happen when everybody on the station knew? All of them would look at him like he was broken. Everybody would wonder why he was so damaged, what had gone wrong with him. He couldn’t handle being a mess.

His fingers had gone white from gripping the PADD and he finally let it go, replacing it as he grabbed onto the desk with both hands trying to steady himself. He couldn’t be a mess. He couldn’t let everyone think he was broken. He squeezed his eyes closed and tried to focus on breathing, but there was a significant lack of. He rubbed at his neck and unzipped his uniform slightly; his chest was becoming tight and knotted.

“Julian are you alright?” Jadzia said, walking over to him and placing a hand on his shoulder.

Julian met her eyes and saw how worried she’d become, only spiralling him further. He stared for a little longer before shaking his head, struggling to breathe.

“What do you need?” She said hastily, and he pointed out a cupboard towards the end of the room. She ran over to it and flung the doors open, finding an empty hypospray and next to it a tube filled with a clear liquid. She held them up to Julian and he nodded. Pushing the tube into the hypospray she ran back over to Julian, who was holding the table with one arm and was scratching it restlessly with his free hand.

He grabbed the hypospray off of her and pressed it against his neck, the drug immediately taking effect. They waited in silence for a moment.

“Are you ok?” Jadzia placed her hand on his shoulder once again.

Julian merely shook his head, unable to speak through fear of breaking down right there in front of her. Tears forced their way out of his eyes and he took a deep breath, savouring the sensation.

“Please don’t tell anyone this happened again.” His voice cracked as he spoke through silent sobs.

Jadzia nodded and drew him into a hug, which he took full advantage of this time. “I won’t, but you need to talk to me. You need to tell me what’s going on. Please.” She said desperately.

Julian simply sobbed into her shoulder.


	5. What did you do

They stayed in the embrace for a long while before Julian finally broke it off, wiping at his bloodshot eyes. Jadzia had never seen him so fragile before. He’d always been a little arrogant, but he was also so joyous and confident. To see him so hurt broke Jadzia’s heart. Had he been this tortured the whole time? How could she have been so blind to his pain?

She knew he’d wanted everybody to be ignorant of what he was going through, but she didn’t know how deeply it stemmed.

“I’ve never spoken about this with anyone, other than one person. But I couldn’t tell her everything then.” He began, his legs shaking and weak in anticipation of what he was about to tell her. “You can’t tell anyone about this, ok?” He looked desperately at her. “It can’t go on my record.”

“I won’t tell anybody.” Jadzia held multiple lifetimes of secrets, but she thought this one might hurt the most.

“When my parents told me at fifteen that I had been genetically enhanced, it broke me. I felt like such a fraud; a cheat.” He took a deep breath. “I couldn’t handle finding out that they’d been so disappointed in me, that they’d been so ashamed of me, that they’d had to get me fixed. I felt so worthless. I felt so guilty and I didn’t know how to make any of it better.” He sniffled and continued. “I mean how could I? I was fifteen.” He leaned against the desk gently and fiddled with his fingers. “I felt like such a freak. I’d tried to understand what they had done for a few months after they told me, but I just didn’t get it. I didn’t get why they had hated me so much. So I did the only thing that seemed rational.”

Tears stained his cheeks and Jadzia herself had begun to cry slowly. “What did you do Julian?” She asked, but she felt like she already knew the answer.

“Jadzia, I tried to kill myself.” His voice had cracked and his eyes were so desperate, but Jadzia couldn’t do anything but hold his hand tightly. “When my father found me, he was furious. And my mother, she was so disappointed. She just looked at me like I was so broken.”

“I’m so, so sorry Julian.” Jadzia offered.

Julian’s vision was almost completely distorted by the unforgiving flow of tears. “I mean how much of a failure could I be. Failing at even killing myself.”

“Oh Julian.” Jadzia said after pulling him into another hug.

“I didn’t know what to do. But I could never see that look on my mother’s face again. I just did what they wanted. Like joining Starfleet.” He held her tighter. “But I’m so glad that at least that wasn’t a mistake.”

“I am too, Julian.” She said through tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got school and a lot of work coming up in the next few days so the next chapter, although its already written just needs to be edited, may be a little delayed. Thanks for reading this far!


	6. Brand new

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this took so long, life kinda spinned out of control for a little while.

After speaking with Jadzia, she hung around the infirmary for a while. Julian had tidied himself up and when she saw him again, he looked as if he hadn’t broken down at all. A thought pained her mind when she realised he was probably used to covering up how distressed he was. “You look brand new.” She said cheerily.

“That’s the idea.” He replied dejectedly.

She twinged again. “How long have you got left of your shift?”

“About an hour.” He slumped down onto his chair and rested his head in his hand. His head shot up as he spoke, “I’m sorry Jadzia, I’m keeping you.” He jumped back up out of the chair. “This is your only free time, you should be relaxing.”

“I should be relaxing?” She said sarcastically.

Julian sighed. “As long as I’m here, I’m fine.”

She nodded slowly. “How many,” she began, “how many panic attacks have you had because of this?”

He stood thoughtfully for a moment. “I haven’t had one on the station before. Even after everybody found out I was genetically enhanced.” He rubbed at his chin. “But before I came here, there were three times.”

“So, do you know what causes them? Earlier it was because-”

“Because I found out everyone knew.” He shook his head slowly. “I’d been keeping my genetic enhancements hidden for so long, that when I realised everybody might know,” he said slowly, “know that I’m broken- it sent me over the edge.”

“You’re not broken Julian.” She said with such certainty she almost shocked herself.

“You don’t know the half of it.” This time he shook his head faster and the tears he had gotten rid of earlier started to come back.

“Do you trust me Julian?” Jadzia said as she fought back her own tears. She held his stare intently and he rubbed at his eyes ineffectively.

“Of course I do, Jadzia.”

“Then trust me when I tell you you’re not broken.” She got up and moved closer to him, grabbing his hand. “Please.”

He simply nodded once again, not meeting her eyes. She kissed his forehead and he leaned into the touch, taking it all in. Feeling supported, feeling like someone understands. For the first time in his life, he felt a little bit less alone.

He got up after what felt like an eternity, squeezing Jadzia’s hand and regrettably letting it go. “I should probably actually do some work whilst I’m here.”

Julian smiled at her genuinely, and he didn’t have to say how grateful he was because she saw it deep in his eyes. They looked through her and made her heart ache, but within seconds the look was gone and she recognised the fake smile he plastered, too familiar and too heart breaking. An almost perfect smile anyone would be fooled for, but not her. Not now.

Julian’s long legs took him back to his desk quickly and she tried to forget the thought that he was running away. Rebuilding his defences. _Trying to forget this ever happened._

Whether she was invited to or not, Jadzia stayed there. She perched herself down on the chair she had been in only a minute before, turning her back on Julian and closing her eyes, taking in a deep breath of the recycled air. Guilt weighed on her shoulders and she hated the fact that she hadn’t known that her friend had needed her, had needed someone to talk to for longer than they’d even known each other. But that was it wasn’t it- she didn’t know. What could she have done? She knew that she was here for him now and that’s what is important, but remembering every time he had used that fake smile and she hadn’t realised how he had really been feeling made her throat feel tight and her eyes well. She couldn’t have done anything then, but now, she swore to herself, now she would do all she could. Jadzia knew of course that for any of her friends, her family, she’d do anything. Perhaps, she thought, she should tell them more. Because even she couldn’t comprehend how much she appreciated them; with all her memories and all her wisdom she was at a loss. They needed each other to survive.

She hadn’t meant to, but her eyes had drifted off and she only startled awake when the door whizzed open. “Miles!” She stumbled, shooting up from the chair too fast and regretting it as her mind swirled.

“You should probably sit back down.” Miles joked and she looked at him half amused and half embarrassed.

“I’m fine.” She began, walking over to him as she got her balance. “What you in for, Chief?”

Miles looked over her shoulder as Julian came from around the corner, pulling at his cuffs subconsciously. She recognised the smug smile on his face and the façade twisted her stomach and almost wanted to make her throw up. “Are you harassing my patients, Jadzia?”

“Just curious.” She said slowly as she backed away, letting Julian get closer to Miles.

She walked lazily next to the bio-bed, staying out of their way. “Is it your arm again, Miles?” Julian said jovially with a hint of annoyance.

Miles rolled his shoulder easily. “Actually I just came to see if you were alright,” he looked over to Jadzia sat slowly on the bed, “but it looks like you’re in good company.”

“Does anyone in here actually need treating?” Julian quipped as he glanced between Jadzia and Miles, who both looked at each other knowingly. “Thank you for your concern Miles, but I’m fine. Really.” He patted his supposedly good shoulder and turned back half towards his office. “But I seriously need to get some actual work done.”

Julian accepted both of their nods before hurrying back to his desk, not so hidden but out of sight. He sighed and rubbed at his eyes with the palm of his hands, breathing in deeply before getting back to his work. For now, it’d be good enough.

Miles stayed put for a moment, pondering slightly and looking to where Julian had rounded the small corner. He was only a couple metres away but Miles felt like he had shut him out; brushed off his enquiry and gone to hide away in his work.

Of course, that’s exactly what he had done, and it hurt Jadzia to see. Miles was Julian’s closest friend, and the need to block him out seemed like second nature to him. So, instead of leaving him to ponder forever standing there, she patted the side of the bed and invited him over.

He followed her lead and sat down next to her, still watching and still thinking. “Julian’s buying us a round at Quark’s tomorrow.” She patted his shoulder. “Till then, we can sit and make sure our friend is alright.”

The infirmary was tiny and Jadzia knew she that Julian could hear every word she said. She wiggled her eyebrows at the Chief before lying back horizontally across the bed so her head was hanging off the end. She hadn’t expected the Chief to join her and he didn’t, instead tapping at his knee before jumping off the bed again. He walked over to Julian who had a pile of PADD’s in front of him and had barely registered his appearance. Miles hunched over and held onto Julian’s shoulder. “How about we call it 2 rounds instead of one for whoever loses a couple of rounds at darts.”

Julian finally broke away from his work and his annoyance was masked with appreciation. “I thought you _wanted _me to buy the drinks? You know you stand no chance right?” Julian smugly as he ditched the PADD’s in front of him.

“Yeah right.” Miles scoffed. “Why don’t you prove it to me tonight then?” Jadzia was sitting upright on the bio-bed with her ears pricked up like a Meerkat. “I think we could all use some drinks tonight.” He stood up straight and Jadzia jumped off the bio-bed.

Now it was Julian who was pondering for a moment, before finally standing up and leaving the desk in a mess. “The drinks that you’re going to buy?”

Julian’s shift didn’t have long left anyway, and he really could just relax with his friends. Facing everyone outside would be a challenge, but he had to bite the bullet sooner or later. At least with Miles and Jadzia he wouldn’t be alone.


	7. Lead shoes

Taking a step felt significantly harder than he remembered - had the artificial gravity been altered? Jadzia and Miles walked easily, and Julian got the sinking realisation that it was just him. Smiles plastered their faces as they walked out of the infirmary, and he tried to maintain their pace but his legs were like lead.

With all his medical knowledge, he didn't know what was happening. It was like every time he tried to think his mind short-circuited and he lagged farther behind his two friends, like he was moving in slow motion and everyone around him was rushing far too quickly.

Maybe he had finally broken.

Julian tried to avoid the eyes of people walking past but those who caught him seemed to know, they seemed to know everything, and they would glare at him with such pity and shame, bearing into his soul with scornful disgust. He felt like pleading, begging them to stop for just a moment, but his throat was tight and different people would pass by every second - he couldn't convince everyone, he hadn't even been able to convince himself that he wasn't broken.

Julian knew this wasn't a panic attack - not like one he had experienced before, the stimulator was still in his system from earlier, and it felt like he was having all the symptoms of a panic attack without the physical outlets. Like he was breaking down mentally, his thoughts imploding with no way to escape.

"What do you think, Julian?"

Now that was familiar. A soft voice and his name uttered seemed to hit him like a freight train. It was Jadzia, and he heard her laugh through the cacophony of sirens in his mind, like a life jacket thrown to him in the midst of a tsunami.

"Hmm?" He managed, and he surprised himself with how convincing it seemed. The voices in his head repeating over and over again that he was broken seemed to quiet slightly as he strained himself to focus on Jadzia.

His legs burned and he realised that he hadn't been breathing. "Miles thinks he can thrash both of us, but I say there's no chance."

Julian let out a whimper disguised as a laugh, but he felt himself returning more and more, his mind more present and focussed on their conversation so he wouldn't have to even think about slipping back into whatever hell he had just clawed his way out of.

"Maybe he just wants to buy us drinks." They laughed, they all laughed, and Julian relished the feeling.

Perhaps he was not as broken as he had thought.


	8. Balacing on the edge of breaking

Engaging in conversation was difficult; Julian felt like every couple of seconds his mind was wondering once again. He tried - he really tried to focus but every body who breathed or made eye contact or took a sip of their drink stole his attention and for a moment he was lost again. Then Jadzia or Miles would bring him back, and whether they were conciously trying to engage him or not, he appreciated their company. He couldn't do this without them.

Every bone in his body told him to run and to leave. The others would probably understand and he could go home. But he didn't know what he'd do when he did get home, he didn't want to slip into another whirlwind of thoughts - he didn't know if he'd ever be able to leave it again. So, he stayed, balancing on the edge of breaking.

O'Brien had just finished ordering drinks and returned to their little corner in the bar next to the darts board. He handed Julian and Dax a set of darts each and took his position to start. Dax and Miles had sprung up their witty repertoire again, before Quark came sauntering towards them with a tray of drinks.

Julian could barely sink anymore into his seat as Quark purposefully walked around him widely, eyeing him with curiosity. Julian merely averted his eyes and took his drink from the table quickly after Quark had set it down.

"Don't go ruining anymore of my bar or you'll be paying double for everything in the future." Quark squinted his eyes at the cowering man before him who usually looked so tall, and he relented his harshness slightly, a gentle manoeuvre of tilting his head in curious confusion.

Bashir caught it, of course, and the hint of pity sickened his stomach. He glanced down at the familiar glass of synthale before taking a long swig, enjoying the particularly unsavoury taste.

Staring into the glass had led his mind astray once more, and so the touch of Jadzia's hand on his arm startled him back to reality. "Should you really be drinking that?" They both glanced down to the cup he'd been swirling. She continued, her tone quieter. "I mean, you only had a panic attack earlier today, as well as one last night. Maybe you should be taking it easy?"

Julian smiled up to her in resignation. "Jadzia, this-" he held his glass up, "is exactly what I need right now." He took another swig and stood up, ignoring the turning of his stomach as he moved too quickly. He pushed aside the thought that he hadn't eaten anything all day, and that the stimulator was still probably in his system, and that he _probably _shouldn't be drinking. He didn't want to focus on anything negative, or anything at all, and if having an empty stomach meant he got drunk faster then it was for the best.

***

Jadzia knew that this was definitely not for the best. She watched Miles and Julian topple over each other drunkenly, but Julian had, uncharacteristically, gotten drunk far, far quicker than Miles had. When the Chief had seen him swaying about with a thoughtless grin plastered on his face, he considered it some kind of success and followed in his footsteps. Jadzia hadn't dared to have any more synthale or _blood wine_, as Julian had somehow ordered without her realising. They had called her a cheat, an insult somehow hilarious to Julian, because they could barely hit the dartboard whilst she nailed it everytime; an unsuccessful attempt on her part to stop her worrying about her co-workers.

Although the night was seemingly endless, the bar eventually started to clear out. A few stragglers were left behind that Quark was currently trying to swindle; Morn was sitting on his familiar barstool and Jadzia thought for a moment that he may never actually leave the bar. She snorted to herself and realised perhaps she wasn't _exactly _sober, but she was sober enough to call it a night.

Julian and Miles were singing some old earth song, their ales lifted in high spirits. She would kick herself for allowing this evening to spiral out of control if she had the coordination. "Let me walk you two home."

Miles waved his hands in defence and leant on Julian's shoulder, almost making them both fall over. "We-" He gestured to them both dramatically, "are not drunk."

Julian laughed at the stumbling man beside him. "I definitely am." He laughed some more before sauntering over to stand beside Jadzia, his body facing away from the door. "But the night is young! I can handle a few more drinks, even if you can't, Dax."

Dax almost made it a challenge, almost. "The night is not young, Julian. Everyone's left!" He turned to look at the rest of the room, and to his surprise found that she was right. "You both have shifts tomorrow and a commanding officer who doesn't take hang-overs as an excuse."

"That's true." Julian said, defeatedly.

Miles huffed loudly. "Alright." Jadzia smiled proudly to herself. She knew that Miles would never had given in so easily if Julian hadn't of first. She watched them wrap their arms around one another as they started to slowly walk out of the bar. She jumped over to Quark, who had the PADD ready in his hands.

"I didn't think I'd see Doctor Bashir for a while." Quark snarked and smiled as he accepted her fingerprint.

Jadzia frowned dramatically. "Julian is not broken, Quark." She thought for a moment. "He needed this, tonight." Perhaps Julian's words from earlier would be more believable to Quark than they were to her. 

Quark laughed and slid behind the bar, putting a few glasses back into the replicator. "I saw that." He squinted and Jadzia thought that she saw his eyebrows furrow, before realising he didn't have any eyebrows. "He looked like a different man, earlier. Before he emptied out the replicator banks, that is."

"He's had a difficult couple of days." She stepped up closer to the bar and leant against it, so her head was close enough to Quark's that he'd hear her whisper. "And spreading _rumours_, doesn't help anybody." She stung bitterly.

Quark snickered some more, keeping their heads close. "Consider them taken back." He pulled back, regretfully. "But I was telling the truth when I said he looked like a different man. I've never seen him look so small." He said, almost disgusted in his confusion. She leant back too, averting her eyes. "You should keep an eye on him."

"Trust me, I will be." She nodded to Quark before making her departure, quickly catching up to the two men who'd barely got out of the doors. Quark's words didn't leave her mind, albeit her swirling mind. Looking at Julian now, he seemed almost peaceful. It made her heart sink again, and she hated it.


	9. Mercy

The room was spinning - or was he spinning? Julian couldn't tell and he barely made it, stumbling through the doorway into his bedroom.

Dax had given him strict instructions to get water, which was currently spilling out of the glass in his hand, and to go straight to bed. There was no argument on his part, and she had only stayed long enough to help him get the water, evidently having finally run out of pity she could throw him.

He placed the glass on his bedside table but not far enough, as it toppled off the side, splashing water all over him and the floor.

_Funny_, he thought. _Of course this glass wouldn't smash. _

He picked up the now empty cup and stared at it for god knows how long. His mind was a whirlwind of ideas and thoughts but none of them were coherent enough to focus on. He felt like crying or laughing or both. He felt like smashing this glass.

With more strength than he thought he had in his drunken state, he threw the glass at the wall opposite his bed, sending it into large fragments of dull glass. They were scattered across the floor and one had landed by his foot, but when he picked it up the edges were not sharp. The glass had not shattered, it had just fractured safely, and Julian realised it was stupid of him to think it would.

Why had he wanted it to?

_Why couldn't he do anything right?_

The thought came crashing into him unexpectedly. He kept staring at the glass shard and he contemplated the familiar words of his father, the words he'd told himself like a mantra ever since he was young. The words that made him who he was right now, a person he didn't particularly like or care for. A person he was disappointed in.

A laugh escaped him at the thought. He had thought that he and his father had nothing in common, but it seems he was wrong. He laughed some more, giggles erupting from his chest in drunken hiccups and shallow breaths. Taking one last glance at the shard in his hand, he flicked it away and rolled his eyes, throwing himself backwards into bed. His stomach hurled, but he kept himself still, not wanting to get up out of his delirium as he laid his hands on his torso and sunk further into the bed. The laughs died slowly on his lips and his brain felt like it was doing flips inside his skull.

His eyes rolled backwards as exhaustion overcame him, and for a delusional moment he felt like that six-year-old boy on the hospital bed.

Unconsciousness came quickly and mercifully, tugging him down without any resistance.


	10. Traumatic peace

He felt cold. Not just a breeze on his skin, but like needles through his bones. His teeth chattered and even that took effort, like he was wasting whatever reserve he had left. He opened his eyes slightly and he could see the white of the room around him. Water fell from his eyelashes and he realised that it was not needles piercing his skin, but ice droplets all over his body. The room came more into view and he looked down at himself, still in his starfleet uniform, cuddled up to himself with his arms wrapped around his knees as the sonic shower ineffectually tried to clean the blood pouring from his numb hands. 

_This isn't right._

_This isn't how it happened._

He blinked and his outfit changed from the starfleet uniform he wore with pride to an old navy jumpsuit he had been keen of before everything seemed to go numb. The navy blue was smeared with a deep scarlet that traced from his front to his sleeves which had been rolled up into the crooks of his elbows. Holding his shaky hands in front of him, silent tears fell from his bloodshot eyes as he saw the mess he'd made of his forearms - jagged lines that got deeper the further down they went. A whimper fell from his lips as the pain overcame him, and suddenly it all fit. He was back there - back to being fifteen, wishing for the hollowness in his heart that far surpassed the throbbing of his forearms to finally leave, to be drowned away. He didn't want to feel empty. He didn't want to feel so alone.

A haze settled over him and for a moment he tried to blink it away, afraid he might be chastised for crying like an incessant baby. When the haze got stronger though, and he stopped shivering, Jules realised that it was more than that. This was what he had wanted. A bloom of hope blossomed in his chest as for a moment, for just a split second he thought he was going to be ok. He thought that his parents wouldn't have to worry anymore, he thought that he wouldn't be a disappointment anymore, as what greater sacrifice can he do then relieve them of their burden altogether? Maybe, the hope in his chest lied, maybe they'd be proud of him. Maybe they'd be grateful.

Black spots creeped in at the corners of his vision and he let them. His eyes drooped and his head fell into his knees, and for a moment he granted himself peace. He wished for peace. He _begged _for peace.

"Jules?" His mother's voice. It came out cracked, broken and he realised he had done that. She had knelt down next to him in the open doorway of the sonic shower without him even realising. Her fragile hand lifted his chin up gently, and through his haze he saw her eyes. Another whimper escaped from the cavern in his chest he had tried to run away from, and he could see that he'd been wrong. He'd been so wrong. Her eyes were glassy, like she'd been crying.

She was crying because he'd disappointed her.

Again.

Why couldn't he do anything right?

He tried to speak, to explain himself, to apologise, but nothing came out. It was like they were just stuck like that, with her condemning eyes forever boaring into his soul. Empty breaths left him as words choked on his tongue, and he just wished she'd say something. Anything.

Why wasn't she doing anything? Why was she just sitting there? Had he been right, that she had wanted him to die? Why was this moment frozen, digging further into his soul every second he had to gaze at her?

_Why wasn't she doing anything?_

He was freezing. The pain was stronger now as it surged through his forearms. His chest felt like it was going to explode with apologies. Why wasn't she doing anything? He was meant to be their perfect creation. Every part of him had been changed, the only thing left had been his name.

But he wasn't Jules, was he? He had been trying to be, all of his life. He had been trying to be the perfect son that a parent could admire and be proud of, but now he knew the truth. He realised that he never was Jules. He was Julian Subatoi Bashir, a genetically engineered freak and failed experiment. 

She didn't need to do anything, because the Jules he was meant to be died a long time ago. He hadn't been him since the day they changed him.

He had died long before he had gotten the chance to do it himself.

Screwing his eyes shut, he ignored the woman in front of him. His heart beat faster and he counted as it accelerated, but not with fear. With anger. 

"My name isn't Jules."

Julian's eyes shot open in bed and his world flipped as the nausea made itself known again with every harsh breath he took. Sweat clung to his skin like the blood and the water from the sonic shower had all those years ago. He lifted his hands in front of his face and found himself still in his starfleet uniform, his sleeves having been rolled up and an immense of scratches lined his forearms. But no blood. He sighed and dropped his head back into the pillow, turning over onto his side.

He could still feel that haze lingering on the corners of his conciousness, and he ran towards it. Perhaps now, that haze would be more merciful to him than it was before.

***

Sleep became nigh impossible as the throbbing in his head played like a broken record and his stomach kept threatening to empty what little contents it held. Julian's eyes barely opened, the dim room too bright for his exhausted eyes. Trying to recall the night before was too hard; flashes of singing and stumbling came back to him easily enough but he didn't even remember leaving the bar. He didn't think he'd want to remember it.

Brief flashes of an interrupted sleep made themselves known and he lifted his forearms in front of him, finding them still covered in vicious scratches, some having managed to take of several layers of skin. It hadn't all been a dream then.

He felt incredibly weak, and the previous thought from the night before that he was quite possibly starving came back to him, but as he thought of eating anything his throat tightened and his stomach turned. The medical part of his mind berated his stupidity, and he promised himself that when he went to sickbay for his shift he'd take something for the nausea and would make himself eat, even something small.

Julian sat up in bed and immediately regretted it, his stomach doing flips and his throat tightening itself momentarily. He realised he probably still wasn't completely sober, subtley grateful he wasn't yet feeling the full extent of his hangover.

"Computer, time." He yawned lazily.

"07:00 Hours." The computer relayed, and Julian winced at the noise and rolled his eyes. His alarm was set to go off soon, so he didn't bother lying back down.

Standing seemed more difficult than it should have been, and it took him a couple of minutes to be able to stand on his feet without the urge to hurl. He slowly walked towards his bathroom, desperate to get rid of the taste of alcohol in his mouth. He turned the sink on and washed his mouth round with water, spitting it back out as he held himself there, waiting for this round of nausea to end.

When it finally did, he straightened himself back up and turned to get into the shower. He stood there for a moment, just gazing at it, remembering the dream that had haunted him in the night. He debated not using it, but he stunk of sweat and he couldn't go two days in a row without showering. 

Swallowing his anxiety, he stripped himself of his uniform and stepped in, setting the temperature way too hot.

It was better, he rationalised, it was better than it being way too cold.

He could deal with the heat. It was a good distraction, but it wasn't entirely effective, as everytime Julian closed his eyes he saw the pity in his mother's.

All he ever wanted was peace, and even now, over a decade after he had found out, he still hadn't gotten it.

He so desperately wanted peace.


	11. Shadows of the Margat Sea

One of the main features of his genetic engineering was that Julian couldn't forget anything. Every day left an imprint and made itself settled among the other constantly firing neurones in Julian's mind. Even when he didn't try to remember, connections would be made unwittingly like an endless jigsaw puzzle. It was only some time ago when he caught a scent of something burning as he walked past Quark's bar, and it brought him back to a time when he was a child and his mother was away, so his father had been put in charge of cooking. Amazingly, he had managed to burn everything but the bread that his mother had prepared the day before. That time, the memory brought back a bittersweet smile. He could dwell and reminisce on these memories, or wipe them away and go back to focussing on the present.

Currently, he was having a hard time wiping away old memories. Everything reminded him of that night as a child, and he would find himself drifting off into a whirlwind of thoughts as his mind went over and over it again. It wasn't a memory he could just swat away when something reminded him, no, it was constantly on the back of his mind. It was as if his brain was actively working against him.

Not only that, but it didn't help when his friends would constantly ask for reassurances on his state of mind - namely Dax, who seemed to have formed a habit of asking him how he was every few minutes. It had been a few days since his last panic attack, and since the night he had gotten completely wasted with Miles and Dax. He'd been pretending successfully to be fine, and had spent his time holed up in the infirmary without many distractions. Today, however, he was to have lunch with Garak, much like the many weeks before. Only this time he had a bad feeling at the base of his stomach, and he'd habitually counted that his heart rate had raised throughout the day. He'd be alarmed if it were any of his patients, but he knew that eventually, although he didn't know when eventually was, eventually he would go back to normal - his anxiety would lower back to normal levels during the day, and therefore his heart rate would do the same. Walking to the table they frequented for lunch however, Julian's heart rate only increased and he had to stop his hands from shaking as he walked passed the masses of people. Avoiding people's stares, or what he assumed were people staring, he was reminded of something his mother had once told him. _Nobody is looking a judging you, Jules. _He shook at the name. _Everybody is always thinking of themselves, what they're doing or what they're going to be doing. None of them will be interested in judging you unless you give them a reason too._

Julian theorised logically that his panic attack had been a conversation starter for a couple of days after it had happened, but with the constant bustling of the station people would have moved on to the next bit of gossip. It didn't matter though. Julian still felt like he was being watched, and the goosebumps on his skin reminded him that he wasn't as adjusted as he thought he was.

He swallowed down the lump in his throat and plastered on a fake but polite smile. "Hello, Garak." He started, pulling out his chair and sitting down to face the Cardassian he had come to befriend. "How've you been?"

Garak already had a cup of _something _that he had been drinking, and for a moment Julian thought he may have been late. But he had checked three times before he left the infirmary - he'd asked for the time and had given himself exactly five minutes to walk to the replimat, three to walk there and two to be just that bit early and to settle in before he assumed Garak would get there.

He realised he shouldn't still be surprised when Garak didn't face his expectations.

"I've been well. Tailoring is busy work, Doctor, and I seem to be overwhelmed with customers at the moment, something to do with the festival coming up." Julian smiled at the man, and he knew that Garak was smart enough to sense his slight wince at the mention of the festival. "Are you not particularly excited for this years festivities?"

Julian sighed and decided to deflect the question. "I'm merely surprised you're getting a lot of business, it is a _Bajoran_ festival, afterall."

"Are you suggesting that because I am Cardassian people must question my abilities as a tailor?" Garak teased.

Julian enjoyed this. He didn't realise how much he needed a good distraction, a good scintillating conversation. He should have come to Garak sooner. "I'm suggesting that they may be concerned about your other, _abilities._"

Garak smiled his mischievious smile. "And you, Julian, would know all about my abilities."

Julian sat forward on his chair, raising his eyebrows at the man. "Of course, because the plain and simple tailor Garak would never lie."

Garak followed suit and leaned closer too. "Perhaps. Nevertheless, my customers are not concerned with the semantics, not when they have ugly garments to be made in such short amounts of time." Garak's head turned to the right slightly, his eyes squinting minutely. "But then again, it does make them rather boring, doesn't it?"

"Are you calling me interesting?" Julian joked.

Garak nodded subtely. "Indeed, Julian. If rumours are to be held true, you proved yourself more interesting the other day."

Julian's eyes widened and he leaned back quickly, coughing away his discomfort. "Indeed." Was all he managed out as his mind raced for a way to find something else to talk about.

He came up with nothing, his mind being drawn back to that damned memory he couldn't swat away. He suddenly realised he didn't have any food, and thanked whatever prophets were listening that he had an excuse to get up and excuse himself for a moment. He asked Garak what he'd like from the replicator and he listed off his usual, and when he reached the front of the line Julian ordered the antipasto he had become accustomed too.

Walking back to the table with both of their plates and his drink, very skillfully carried he thought, he hoped Garak would move on from their current topic of conversation.

Unfortunately for him, Garak had other ideas. "I have never seen you lost for words before, Doctor. In fact, I've never seen you look so nervous before. Are you quite alright?"

Julian placed their plates down and sighed to himself. "Yes, but I am getting more annoyed every time somebody asks me that."

Garak thanked Julian for the plate and continued. "Surely it is a measure of how much your friends care for you, is it not?"

Julian picked up and aggressively ate an olive as he thought. "Not when the matter is none of their business."

"Are you suggesting you have secrets, Julian, when only a moment ago you were inquiring about my own?" Garak simply would not let the matter drop.

The shaking returned to Julian's hands and he hid one under the table whilst he took a drink, hoping to cool his nerves. "If I did, Garak, there would be a reason they're secrets."

"Ah, yes." Garak ate an odd yellow substance from his plate and continued. "Just like your genetically engineered secret."

Julian sighed. "Indeed." He repeated.

"In that case," Garak began, "have you read _The Shadows of the Margat Sea _yet? I assure you Doctor, it is not what you would expect from Cardassian literature."

Julian smiled at him, and if he wasn't so sure Garak would be insulted, he would have thanked him for his kindness.


End file.
